Matthew's Request: Let God Be Found True

The desire to do good, to do what is right, has been molded in my head since the very beginning, from long ago. And so many times I have given thanks to God for my high standards I have placed on myself and how the reliance placed on my faithfulness kept me strong through times of certain weakness. But there are always new and interesting lessons that God brings us. And this year I have indeed been tested with the question of what makes on holy? To what extent do I truly trust God Himself?
Life is not always black & white. Some paths I've met with are not so clear as those before. Indeed, I've wondered, after prayer and wrestling I still cannot grasp a certain answer. Where is the voice of God? What is right? What is wrong?
Recently I've started reading Romans, and things have started to slowly clear. I have always preached and believed in a love and graceful God, yet I have trusted more of a list-oriented God. How many times have I told friends that God is not this God of lists, but of relationship? How pompous must I have been to think of a life where every turn made a difference in the way God saw me, or in my authenticity as a Christian. Can you imagine the pressure I feel day after day?
Doubt is part of life that must be acknowledged before it is more than just doubt. I am not and can never be (as the Baptist special speaker in Madrid once termed) "uma deusinha -- a little God." I do not know what the future holds. I cannot make every decision with the certainty of correctness. No.
But I am a daughter of God. And if holiness is relational, I look to my Father. Romans 3 talks about our actions vs. God's actions. Over and over again Romans humbles me and says, "Amber, you are not perfect. You cannot continue to live in fear of messing up." Romans says in Chapter 3 that (to use the words of Scott Phillips as a summary), "Though I turn away, when my consistency fades, you stay. Thank God! My actions do not "nullify the faithfulness of God (3:26)."
And so I say, strive for good. Crave God and His perfect will. Live that song;
"Give me one pure and holy passion.
Give me on magnificent obsession.
Give me on glorious amition for my life,
to know and follow hard after You."
But fear not your own imperfection. Trust that God can handle your weakness. In fact, what's more, open your heart and "Let God be found true (3:4)."

The Censored Version

This is the censored version of something close to heart. Perhaps I am writing again.

The Muddy Lyric

Somehow it's me you'd take the time
To bring it out, these words, this rhyme
Yet out of frustration it will come
For risk of sounding really dumb
There's something bout that dark of night
That makes me doubt the wrong and right

So strongly I cling to one sweet voice
That sings to me a different song
That says, my daughter, this will soon pass
In Me your heart cannot go wrong

But do I wait in safety's net
Afraid and scared as always
Will this remain, feelings unmet
As something else rules each step, each phase

I thought I felt, then felt I thought
Then with myself struggled and fought
But if I stay not in this direction
My fear meets faith or faith meets fear
In this strange and confusing intersection

I know it not and may never again
I hold only to the steady
The one tempted by both devil and men
Until He says I'm ready

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I've put it all away. All these things I'd put aside for the one who finally wanted to take that time. There were comments from teachers long ago who raved about my thoughts and writing-- yes, those days when each thought recorded some unspoken masterpiece. Awards, comments on papers, momentos of that long lost world that I would always and never go back to. Perhaps one might, in this pile, discover the good and bad of who I was and somehow understand me in a way I never could. But I've put it away now.
(Censored)

It should always be God first-- in all circumstances-- in game, in sport, in job, in laundry, in love. And in God there is peace, which translates to standing somewhere and sticking to it. To gather strength and stop causing confusion. Perhaps I'm thought to be "overspiritualizing" things (and this is where the message lies). I believe strongly of God as the center of EVERY part of my life. A dysfunctional life area is dysfunctional because I have not yet let God there. Heaven is indeed to be in the presence of God and to remain in Him means not to take Him out of situations, but to place Him in the very middle. And I have to trust that he cares enough to speak my language (and to speak yours). If I cannot trust and have him in each part of my life, I can neither have nor trust any human being in that same area.