quarta-feira, outubro 26, 2005
Have you ever been in that place that seems.... I have no way of describing it outside of inadequate. Something tells me that I have been doing things right-- that I am truly following God's call. But sometimes I wonder, am I fooling myself? I mean really, when have I ever stood up for anything that I really talk about. When I talk to my friends, one of the common phrases is, "I thought it-- but I didn't say it." Why don't I say it though? Because deep down I feel to the point that I say that I know that I am inadequate. That nobody really listens to me or comes to me because they think I have anything at all to offer them. Most times it's me tagging along behind pretending like they want me there. Do they? Sometimes I wonder-- even if they are wonderful friends and amazing and people that I would never say these things to because I know their response. "No, of course not, Amber. I love to hear what you say." Blah blah blah. But part of me doesn't want to feel better about it. Will somebody please challenge or criticize me! Trust me or something. I don't know. I feel called to ministry when I fear all my attempts at ministry fail. What kind of pastor could I be? What kind of teacher? I have no idea because I apparently don't even have the person or the characteristics that anyone would pick out for this-- that anyone would want to voluntarily give me the chance. And if I'm not qualified, I'm not sure I want to screw everybody up. I suppose I know what everyone would say to this-- everything I'm saying. I'd say it to myself if I were them. "Don't give yourself so much credit. Just ask, volunteer." "If God calls, He equips." I wonder sometimes if God is even calling. Yet it would seem absurd that he's not because I'd be lost without this direction-- whatever it is and wherever it is taking me. And because God places in our hearts a passion and it's irrevocably and overpoweringly there. So I guess this is what I'm doing. Writing this all out because no one really reads this and because I don't have the courage to talk to anyone about it. I'm sure I don't want to whine to one more person. I make myself sick when I sit and try to defend myself this and that. I make myself when others are sitting there with better things to do, but they're trying. They really are trying to care.... But what do I say? In any person's mind, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm normal, I'm "pure," I'm meticulously semi-legalistic towards myself (not towards others but in some demented manner I live by this set of don't make a mistake guidelines and therefore I "haven't done anything bad, drastic or major," have I? So what do I know, right? Is it bad to be sick of yourself because you haven't screwed up? Is it not sad-- this whole stupid situation. To talk to who about it? To talk to anyone about it would be ridiculous. What would they say? All those things that I say to myself. I know these recited answers-- the good ones, you know. I've used them. But when it all comes down to it, what works when you know it and that doesn't help?
quarta-feira, outubro 05, 2005
Ok. I am going to attempt, despite being in one of my somewhat illusion-proned insomiac moments, to expand upon what I have previously written and see if I get anywhere-- if I can pick up where I left. You see, I think that there is something inside each individual that moves one into motion. If we do not sense the beat or hear the music, perhaps we are stuck in this awkward stance of movement. But there is something in the bailando-- the dance that occurs within the context of community that means so much more. Have you ever been in a situation where you hear a song, but don't understand the lyrics. Yet something within you knows. Something in you drives you to tap your foot or your fingers when really what your entire body truly wants to do is to just leap foolishly around in some form of expression. However, the bailando is the most frightening part of the whole process. Because for some reason we are all afraid of expression. Give it a shot, though. I challenge you. Turn on some of that music that just makes you feel something and move the way it takes you. Can you feel, can you at least glimpse what it would be to dance the mirror of the beat with another person-- to hold hands with someone and dance that dance which has stirred your hearts together-- to give expression to that beat, the lyrics that is the living force behind it all?
"You are the perfect verse over a tight beat." --Brown Sugar