The desire to do good, to do what is right, has been molded in my head since the very beginning, from long ago. And so many times I have given thanks to God for my high standards I have placed on myself and how the reliance placed on my faithfulness kept me strong through times of certain weakness. But there are always new and interesting lessons that God brings us. And this year I have indeed been tested with the question of what makes on holy? To what extent do I truly trust God Himself?
Life is not always black & white. Some paths I've met with are not so clear as those before. Indeed, I've wondered, after prayer and wrestling I still cannot grasp a certain answer. Where is the voice of God? What is right? What is wrong?
Recently I've started reading Romans, and things have started to slowly clear. I have always preached and believed in a love and graceful God, yet I have trusted more of a list-oriented God. How many times have I told friends that God is not this God of lists, but of relationship? How pompous must I have been to think of a life where every turn made a difference in the way God saw me, or in my authenticity as a Christian. Can you imagine the pressure I feel day after day?
Doubt is part of life that must be acknowledged before it is more than just doubt. I am not and can never be (as the Baptist special speaker in Madrid once termed) "uma deusinha -- a little God." I do not know what the future holds. I cannot make every decision with the certainty of correctness. No.
But I am a daughter of God. And if holiness is relational, I look to my Father. Romans 3 talks about our actions vs. God's actions. Over and over again Romans humbles me and says, "Amber, you are not perfect. You cannot continue to live in fear of messing up." Romans says in Chapter 3 that (to use the words of Scott Phillips as a summary), "Though I turn away, when my consistency fades, you stay. Thank God! My actions do not "nullify the faithfulness of God (3:26)."
And so I say, strive for good. Crave God and His perfect will. Live that song;
"Give me one pure and holy passion.
Give me on magnificent obsession.
Give me on glorious amition for my life,
to know and follow hard after You."
But fear not your own imperfection. Trust that God can handle your weakness. In fact, what's more, open your heart and "Let God be found true (3:4)."