segunda-feira, janeiro 23, 2006

En Serio

Okay, I'm going to write this one blog that is really.... perhaps a bit intense and will follow it with poetry from the deep past. I'm not depressed, believe me. But sometimes this is how it runs through....

So I suppose my question is "Is everyone around here so spiritual that they can turn the whole 'feel' and 'need for flesh and blood' buttons off? Because I just can't seem to do it. I've heard all the answers and thought all the things for which the answers are supposed to work. Oh, so you just strive harder to be closer to God? Is that all? Because I've been praying and striving with my entire being and there seems to be nothing! I can't even let myself blame or doubt God so I know it must be an inadequacy in me, but I don't know what it is and this just makes me even more frustrated because then God appears to mirror every other "love" that never worked out. The realization and similarity hit me tonight and I almost lost it. Rationally and reactionally I'm not that desperate and, God, I would love to stand here and say that you're more than enough and that I don't care about that special someone. Are the two synonymous? Am I saying you're not enough if I feel this need for a man in my life? Do I ask too much? Indulge too much? Do I need to get myself to some point? Because my striving, working, praying does not seem to make the difference. I still long for that which I cannot have. I'm stil vulnerable (yet unaccepting) to those who would take me. And I still can't hear you. I'm feeling a calm in some sense. I do know you're there and doing things for me in so many other areas. I know you're there somewhere. And perhaps it's even my own problem, but that's your specialty, right? Entering into our problems and taking us up in your arms and strength?

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